A charcoal grey metal door parted in the middle and Lazarus Gorey stepped in to the small charcoal grey room. Four hooded Ninjas stood in a semicircle behind a man tied to a straight backed chair, who was also hooded. He squirmed while making muffled grunting noises.
“We had to duck tape his mouth, boss,” one of the Ninjas said, “he wouldn’t shut up.”
“It’s ‘duct tape’ not ‘duck tape’” Lazarus said.
“What?”
“Never mind.” Lazarus looked down at the seated figure. “There should be two of them. What happened to the woman?” he asked without looking up.
“We thought we were only supposed to go after the doctor,” another Ninja said.
Lazarus looked at him, his face reddening. “I didn’t tell you to take the doctor! I told you there were two people, a man and a woman, in a doctor’s office. Oh, for Christ’s sake, take that hood off him! And where the hell did you get a Hello Kitty hood anyway?”
“At one of those stores where everything costs a dollar. You know, some stuff costs more than a dollar at those stores. Anyway, we ran out of black ones, so we chose Hello Kitty,” said a third Ninja. He pulled the hood off to reveal a highly agitated Dr. Thornley. He became even more agitated and screamed when the tape covering his mouth was ripped away.
“Holy shit, Gorey! Where did you find these knuckleheads? I told them they had the wrong person, but they wouldn’t listen to me!”
“Sorry about that, Doc. I thought they understood their instructions, but apparently I was wrong.” Lazarus gestured to one of the Ninjas. “Are you going to untie him, or just leave him strapped to the chair forever?”
The fourth Ninja began to undo the ropes while the doctor continued his rant. “You need to find better people, Laz. Guys like this could jeopardize the whole operation. What if...”
Lazarus interrupted him. “Just calm down, Doc. Nothing’s jeopardized.”
Thornley wasn’t appeased. “My goodness, Laz, my hands are numb. I told them the ropes were too tight. You can’t have people like this running around...”
Lazarus leveled a dead man’s stare at him, then spoke without any inflection. “Knock it off.” Thornley immediately went silent.
In an effort to contain his anger, rather than slaughtering everyone in the room because he was pissed off, Lazarus remembered his yoga training (he had been taught by the seventh Dalai Lama himself) and drew a deep cleansing breath. He spoke to the Ninjas. “First of all, I don’t want to see anymore Ninja outfits. You guys can’t hear your instructions clearly with those damn hoods on.”
“But we love being Ninjas!” they cried in unison.
Lazarus clenched both fists but his voice remained calm. “You are not real Ninjas. You were unemployed military contract workers when I found you. They said you were all highly recommended, but that was probably just to get rid of you numbskulls. No more Ninja business, do you understand me?”
Dejected, the Ninjas all looked at the floor. “Yes, sir,” they said, again in unison.
“Now, if you can manage it without duct tape and rope, take Thornley here back to his office and track down this Van Buren fellow and his girlfriend. The doctor will provide addresses and descriptions, right Doc?”
“Yes,” he replied without looking at Lazarus.
“Good. I don’t want to hear from anybody until those two are in this building, alive and well.” Lazarus turned on his heels and departed through the metal door that slid open without him pushing a button or turning a handle. Once on the other side Lazarus felt the stress rise within him. He knew Thornley was right, those military contractor rejects had the potential to foul up everything. All his hopes and dreams would be destroyed. Lazarus drew another deep breath. I hope these chowderheads can handle this, he thought, I don’t know why I let Dick Cheney talk me into hiring them. Must get to a happy place...puppy dogs, puppy dogs, that’s it, lick my face, good little puppy dogs.
Once waves of calm began flowing through his body Lazarus took the elevator to his penthouse office suite. He was going to meet with his marketing people. Augusta would be there too. He stepped into the conference room and stood in the doorway. All eyes turned to him. Augusta turned in her chair and threw a disarming smile at him, causing a temporary melting of his heart until he regained his composure and his icy death stare. There was a trio of marketing people sitting opposite Augusta. Each made an effort not to appear nervous.
Lazarus strode to his chair next to Augusta. Unlike the others in the room, it was leather and had a headrest. One by one, he looked each member of his marketing team in the eye. Darla Finnegan had blonde hair, perfect teeth and breasts paid for on an installment plan. Recently graduated from a high priced business school, Matthew Cardigan attempted genuine thought on occasion, but mostly his brain centered on clothes shopping. His suit was modern, in that it looked a size too small for him, his crimson bow tie was brand new, and his hair glistened with the most expensive gel he could find. Between them sat their boss, Hugh Ogilvy. His hair, streaked with grey, was longer than most men his age wore it, and he dressed with the casual indifference of an investment banker weekending on his yacht. After what seemed an eternity of silence to the three advertising people, Lazarus finally spoke. “Let’s begin. What have you got for me?”
Ogilvy cleared his throat, then said, “Well, my team and I have been spending face time attempting a synergy of our idea flow. We’re making some formulations that would be congruent with social proof optimization...”
Lazarus interrupted him. “You haven’t really done anything, have you?”
“Well, we certainly...uhm...” Ogilvy spluttered.
“Uh-huh.” Lazarus turned his focus to Matthew. “Bow tie, what have you done on this project?” Before Matthew could reply, Lazarus spoke. “I mean, other than shopping for bow ties all afternoon yesterday.”
“Well, you are correct, I was shopping. It helps me clear my head and spurs my creativity. I was in a bit of a slump before I went bow tie hunting. I really like how they look, they’ve a great retro vibe going on. Bow ties are cool.”
“No, they’re not. Neither is an adult with a faux-hawk hairstyle. Tell you what, bow tie, there’s an opening in the mail room. I’m filling it with you.”
Matthew looked bemused. “Mail rooms still exist? That’s so quaint. Very retro. I love the concept.”
“Good. Then you’ll be right at home there.”
Matthew’s bemusement quickly disappeared. “Surely, you can’t be serious. I’m a creative person, an artist.”
“You’re a mail room clerk now. I want you downstairs in ten minutes, licking stamps.”
“I don’t think you need to lick the postage. There’re machines for that.”
“I don’t care, I want you to lick them anyway.” Lazarus looked at Darla. “Blondie, I can only assume you’re here because you’re Hugh’s mistress.”
Her lips parted to form a joyless smile that showcased the whiteness of her teeth. “Mr. Gorey, Hugh and I just good friends. I think you can see from my curriculum vitae...”
He stopped her cold. “Your CV is a work of complete fiction. Don’t try to impress me with fancy terms, either. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I was born hundreds of years ago and I know bullshit when I smell it. My understanding is that you were in the ‘entertainment industry’ before you came here. I’m not going to ask for any details on what your job duties were.”
Having finished with her, he spoke again to Ogilvy. “Hugh, we’ve done a lot of work together over the years.” His voice sounded wistful now. “Remember when we persuaded the government to send cigarettes to the troops during World War II? Got a lot of guys hooked on nicotine, and we made a lot of money in the cigarette business after the war, didn’t we?”
Ogilvy nodded. A hint of fear flickered in his eyes, while a shadow of sadness crossed his face.
Lazarus continued. “Then there was that time back in the 1800s, we helped the British get the Chinese addicted to opium. Good times, boy-o, good times. We were good at what we did, Hugh, and we made so much money we don’t need to work anymore. We can sit back, relax,” here he pointed at Darla, “have dalliances with show girls or whatever the hell she is. But, we don’t do that. We’re not the type to rest on our laurels. We keep working. Why? Because we love it, that’s why. You do still love the work, don’t you Hugh? You told me you did. You told me you’d always be on board with whatever scheme I came up with because you know I’m always going to win. Any game, we come out winners.”
Their eyes were locked, Hugh thinking that if he looked away, Lazarus would pounce on him like a cat. He remained silent, knowing it was best to let Lazarus talk and get the anger and disappointment out of his system.
“I’ve always had great faith in you, Hugh, you know that. You’ve always been loyal, ever since the day I changed you. I saw your potential, and I gave you a life you never could have imagined. That’s why I don’t understand, that with the biggest job ever for us, the one that will bring us untold riches, and even more importantly, untold power, you chose to slack off. That upsets me, Hugh. We’re close to making centuries of dreams come true. So I have to ask, do I still have your loyalty? Or have I lost you?” Lazarus felt his anger rise, but he didn’t bother to take another deep breath. “Tell me, Hugh, is there any good reason I shouldn’t take you out on the patio, gut you like a fish and grill your entrails for dinner on my brand new Char-Master 3000? It’s a professional, chef grade grill. I really like it, but I haven’t used it that much. I don’t know how it would handle human organs. You were once a human, weren’t you?”
“Yes, Laz, I was.
“Never quite sure with you ad men.”
“I’m still human, Laz, sort of. That’s why I made a mistake. I don’t know why, but I got lazy. It won’t happen again.”
“Good. If your end of the project goes well, you can keep blondie and you’l get a ton of money and share a whole lot of power with me and Augusta.” Lazarus leaned forward over the table, close enough for Ogilvy to feel his warm breath as he spoke. “If you let me down again, there is nowhere on this planet that you can hide from me. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, as if dark clouds that had been filled with lightning and thunder evaporated to reveal warm sunlight, Lazarus brightened. He leaned back and smiled. “Excellent. We need to get moving a little more quickly than we thought. Things are happening now and we may be on the verge of a breakthrough. That’s why I need you to get it in gear, Hugh. To make sure that happens, you’re going to report to Augusta. From here on in, she’s in charge of all marketing, advertising, and any related issues. Clear everything with her first. She speaks for me. She’s also got some scripts for commercials that can be run on television, the Internet, that sort of thing. She understands all the social networking, the Twitterverse, you know, all that crap I haven’t figured out yet, but now that Augusta is here, I don’t need to.”
Augusta wisely saw the need to boost Ogilvy’s ego. “I’m sure we’ll enjoy working with each other, Hugh. Lazarus has told me about all that you’ve done together over the years. You’re an extraordinary person and I’m honored to be involved with you on this.”
Hugh nodded and gave her a wan smile.
Lazarus looked with admiration at Augusta. “Isn’t she good? She’s the yin to my yang.” He raised himself from his chair, and Augusta stood up beside him. “Well, this was fun. Now let’s go forth and get things done.”
“We had to duck tape his mouth, boss,” one of the Ninjas said, “he wouldn’t shut up.”
“It’s ‘duct tape’ not ‘duck tape’” Lazarus said.
“What?”
“Never mind.” Lazarus looked down at the seated figure. “There should be two of them. What happened to the woman?” he asked without looking up.
“We thought we were only supposed to go after the doctor,” another Ninja said.
Lazarus looked at him, his face reddening. “I didn’t tell you to take the doctor! I told you there were two people, a man and a woman, in a doctor’s office. Oh, for Christ’s sake, take that hood off him! And where the hell did you get a Hello Kitty hood anyway?”
“At one of those stores where everything costs a dollar. You know, some stuff costs more than a dollar at those stores. Anyway, we ran out of black ones, so we chose Hello Kitty,” said a third Ninja. He pulled the hood off to reveal a highly agitated Dr. Thornley. He became even more agitated and screamed when the tape covering his mouth was ripped away.
“Holy shit, Gorey! Where did you find these knuckleheads? I told them they had the wrong person, but they wouldn’t listen to me!”
“Sorry about that, Doc. I thought they understood their instructions, but apparently I was wrong.” Lazarus gestured to one of the Ninjas. “Are you going to untie him, or just leave him strapped to the chair forever?”
The fourth Ninja began to undo the ropes while the doctor continued his rant. “You need to find better people, Laz. Guys like this could jeopardize the whole operation. What if...”
Lazarus interrupted him. “Just calm down, Doc. Nothing’s jeopardized.”
Thornley wasn’t appeased. “My goodness, Laz, my hands are numb. I told them the ropes were too tight. You can’t have people like this running around...”
Lazarus leveled a dead man’s stare at him, then spoke without any inflection. “Knock it off.” Thornley immediately went silent.
In an effort to contain his anger, rather than slaughtering everyone in the room because he was pissed off, Lazarus remembered his yoga training (he had been taught by the seventh Dalai Lama himself) and drew a deep cleansing breath. He spoke to the Ninjas. “First of all, I don’t want to see anymore Ninja outfits. You guys can’t hear your instructions clearly with those damn hoods on.”
“But we love being Ninjas!” they cried in unison.
Lazarus clenched both fists but his voice remained calm. “You are not real Ninjas. You were unemployed military contract workers when I found you. They said you were all highly recommended, but that was probably just to get rid of you numbskulls. No more Ninja business, do you understand me?”
Dejected, the Ninjas all looked at the floor. “Yes, sir,” they said, again in unison.
“Now, if you can manage it without duct tape and rope, take Thornley here back to his office and track down this Van Buren fellow and his girlfriend. The doctor will provide addresses and descriptions, right Doc?”
“Yes,” he replied without looking at Lazarus.
“Good. I don’t want to hear from anybody until those two are in this building, alive and well.” Lazarus turned on his heels and departed through the metal door that slid open without him pushing a button or turning a handle. Once on the other side Lazarus felt the stress rise within him. He knew Thornley was right, those military contractor rejects had the potential to foul up everything. All his hopes and dreams would be destroyed. Lazarus drew another deep breath. I hope these chowderheads can handle this, he thought, I don’t know why I let Dick Cheney talk me into hiring them. Must get to a happy place...puppy dogs, puppy dogs, that’s it, lick my face, good little puppy dogs.
Once waves of calm began flowing through his body Lazarus took the elevator to his penthouse office suite. He was going to meet with his marketing people. Augusta would be there too. He stepped into the conference room and stood in the doorway. All eyes turned to him. Augusta turned in her chair and threw a disarming smile at him, causing a temporary melting of his heart until he regained his composure and his icy death stare. There was a trio of marketing people sitting opposite Augusta. Each made an effort not to appear nervous.
Lazarus strode to his chair next to Augusta. Unlike the others in the room, it was leather and had a headrest. One by one, he looked each member of his marketing team in the eye. Darla Finnegan had blonde hair, perfect teeth and breasts paid for on an installment plan. Recently graduated from a high priced business school, Matthew Cardigan attempted genuine thought on occasion, but mostly his brain centered on clothes shopping. His suit was modern, in that it looked a size too small for him, his crimson bow tie was brand new, and his hair glistened with the most expensive gel he could find. Between them sat their boss, Hugh Ogilvy. His hair, streaked with grey, was longer than most men his age wore it, and he dressed with the casual indifference of an investment banker weekending on his yacht. After what seemed an eternity of silence to the three advertising people, Lazarus finally spoke. “Let’s begin. What have you got for me?”
Ogilvy cleared his throat, then said, “Well, my team and I have been spending face time attempting a synergy of our idea flow. We’re making some formulations that would be congruent with social proof optimization...”
Lazarus interrupted him. “You haven’t really done anything, have you?”
“Well, we certainly...uhm...” Ogilvy spluttered.
“Uh-huh.” Lazarus turned his focus to Matthew. “Bow tie, what have you done on this project?” Before Matthew could reply, Lazarus spoke. “I mean, other than shopping for bow ties all afternoon yesterday.”
“Well, you are correct, I was shopping. It helps me clear my head and spurs my creativity. I was in a bit of a slump before I went bow tie hunting. I really like how they look, they’ve a great retro vibe going on. Bow ties are cool.”
“No, they’re not. Neither is an adult with a faux-hawk hairstyle. Tell you what, bow tie, there’s an opening in the mail room. I’m filling it with you.”
Matthew looked bemused. “Mail rooms still exist? That’s so quaint. Very retro. I love the concept.”
“Good. Then you’ll be right at home there.”
Matthew’s bemusement quickly disappeared. “Surely, you can’t be serious. I’m a creative person, an artist.”
“You’re a mail room clerk now. I want you downstairs in ten minutes, licking stamps.”
“I don’t think you need to lick the postage. There’re machines for that.”
“I don’t care, I want you to lick them anyway.” Lazarus looked at Darla. “Blondie, I can only assume you’re here because you’re Hugh’s mistress.”
Her lips parted to form a joyless smile that showcased the whiteness of her teeth. “Mr. Gorey, Hugh and I just good friends. I think you can see from my curriculum vitae...”
He stopped her cold. “Your CV is a work of complete fiction. Don’t try to impress me with fancy terms, either. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I was born hundreds of years ago and I know bullshit when I smell it. My understanding is that you were in the ‘entertainment industry’ before you came here. I’m not going to ask for any details on what your job duties were.”
Having finished with her, he spoke again to Ogilvy. “Hugh, we’ve done a lot of work together over the years.” His voice sounded wistful now. “Remember when we persuaded the government to send cigarettes to the troops during World War II? Got a lot of guys hooked on nicotine, and we made a lot of money in the cigarette business after the war, didn’t we?”
Ogilvy nodded. A hint of fear flickered in his eyes, while a shadow of sadness crossed his face.
Lazarus continued. “Then there was that time back in the 1800s, we helped the British get the Chinese addicted to opium. Good times, boy-o, good times. We were good at what we did, Hugh, and we made so much money we don’t need to work anymore. We can sit back, relax,” here he pointed at Darla, “have dalliances with show girls or whatever the hell she is. But, we don’t do that. We’re not the type to rest on our laurels. We keep working. Why? Because we love it, that’s why. You do still love the work, don’t you Hugh? You told me you did. You told me you’d always be on board with whatever scheme I came up with because you know I’m always going to win. Any game, we come out winners.”
Their eyes were locked, Hugh thinking that if he looked away, Lazarus would pounce on him like a cat. He remained silent, knowing it was best to let Lazarus talk and get the anger and disappointment out of his system.
“I’ve always had great faith in you, Hugh, you know that. You’ve always been loyal, ever since the day I changed you. I saw your potential, and I gave you a life you never could have imagined. That’s why I don’t understand, that with the biggest job ever for us, the one that will bring us untold riches, and even more importantly, untold power, you chose to slack off. That upsets me, Hugh. We’re close to making centuries of dreams come true. So I have to ask, do I still have your loyalty? Or have I lost you?” Lazarus felt his anger rise, but he didn’t bother to take another deep breath. “Tell me, Hugh, is there any good reason I shouldn’t take you out on the patio, gut you like a fish and grill your entrails for dinner on my brand new Char-Master 3000? It’s a professional, chef grade grill. I really like it, but I haven’t used it that much. I don’t know how it would handle human organs. You were once a human, weren’t you?”
“Yes, Laz, I was.
“Never quite sure with you ad men.”
“I’m still human, Laz, sort of. That’s why I made a mistake. I don’t know why, but I got lazy. It won’t happen again.”
“Good. If your end of the project goes well, you can keep blondie and you’l get a ton of money and share a whole lot of power with me and Augusta.” Lazarus leaned forward over the table, close enough for Ogilvy to feel his warm breath as he spoke. “If you let me down again, there is nowhere on this planet that you can hide from me. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, as if dark clouds that had been filled with lightning and thunder evaporated to reveal warm sunlight, Lazarus brightened. He leaned back and smiled. “Excellent. We need to get moving a little more quickly than we thought. Things are happening now and we may be on the verge of a breakthrough. That’s why I need you to get it in gear, Hugh. To make sure that happens, you’re going to report to Augusta. From here on in, she’s in charge of all marketing, advertising, and any related issues. Clear everything with her first. She speaks for me. She’s also got some scripts for commercials that can be run on television, the Internet, that sort of thing. She understands all the social networking, the Twitterverse, you know, all that crap I haven’t figured out yet, but now that Augusta is here, I don’t need to.”
Augusta wisely saw the need to boost Ogilvy’s ego. “I’m sure we’ll enjoy working with each other, Hugh. Lazarus has told me about all that you’ve done together over the years. You’re an extraordinary person and I’m honored to be involved with you on this.”
Hugh nodded and gave her a wan smile.
Lazarus looked with admiration at Augusta. “Isn’t she good? She’s the yin to my yang.” He raised himself from his chair, and Augusta stood up beside him. “Well, this was fun. Now let’s go forth and get things done.”
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