“I really don’t think you exercise five to seven times a week.” Adriana was looking over Martin’s shoulder as he filled out numerous forms asking about medical history, diet and overall physical fitness. They were here to see Doctor Bram Thornley, a physician who quietly helped vampires with medical issues.
“I walk a lot,” Martin replied.
“True. Still, I’m not sure that it counts as exercise.”
He was incredulous. “Of course it does. Walking is the best exercise you can get and it’s easy on your joints.”
“Maybe, but for it to be exercise you have to walk quickly enough to get your heart rate up. I noticed, when you walk, you just sort of amble.”
“Amble?”
“Yeah, amble. It’s sort of like a saunter. Either way, you don’t walk very fast.”
“Whatever.” Martin looked apprehensive. “Are you sure this is okay? I mean, he knows about, you know, the kind of people we are?”
“Oh, absolutely. He’s very well known in the community. He’s a friend of Bela.”
“He’s a what now?”
“A friend of Bela. You know, like Bela Lugosi, the guy who played Dracula. It means he’s a friend of the community. He knows all about our existence and he doesn’t have a problem with us. He’s made a point of learning how to treat us for various ailments and whatnot.”
“I hope I don’t have any whatnot,” Martin said. “It seems like a nice enough place, but there’s something a little off in here, a little creepy.”
Adriana looked around. “You’re right. I think it’s the carpeting. He should pick a different color.” Indeed, the room had a bloody glow about it. The carpet was a deep crimson and looked as if it had been soaked in blood. “With his clientele, he should choose something brighter. Or maybe he did it on purpose, trying to tell us we’re all blood brothers.”
“Uh-huh. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. I think we should go.”
“Nonsense,”Adriana answered him sternly. “We have an appointment. He’s a good guy, just give him a chance.”
“I don’t know,” Martin said in a whimpering tone.
“Stop being such a wuss. What’s the worst that could happen? That he confirms you’re not a vampire?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll sit quietly.”
“That would be different.”
Martin gazed around the room. Jackie, the receptionist, gave him a smile then turned her attention back to her computer. Was she a vampire? Doubtful. Too pleasant looking. She didn’t appear to be the type who could sink her teeth into someone’s neck. He looked at the other patients waiting to see the doctor. Across from him sat a grey haired woman wearing a sweatshirt with a photo of three kittens. Above the photo the statement “World’s Greatest Cat Mom” was emblazoned in capital red letters. Could this kindly looking lady reading Good Housekeeping possibly be a blood sucker? What about the teenage boy watching a baseball game on the flat screen TV in the corner? Vampire or normal? Martin couldn’t tell, and wondered if he ever would be able to.
After a few more minutes of studying the patients, a nurse led Martin and Adriana into an examination room. He sat in the chair next to the desk, while she jumped up on the table and laid down.
“Make yourself at home,” Martin told her.
“I love these exam tables,” she said. “I wish I could sleep on one all the time. I like the crunch of the paper underneath my body. You know, people could save a lot on laundry if bed sheets came on rolls and were made of thin white paper. Although, a little design on them wouldn’t hurt, maybe snowflakes in winter, floral patterns in summer.”
“I think you’re nuts.”
There was a knock at the door, to which Adriana said, “Don’t bother knockin’, doc, just come on in.”
Dr. Bram Thornley stepped in to the room. He was neither short nor tall, round around the middle, and wore thick lensed glasses through which dark, friendly eyes squinted. Curly salt and pepper hair framed a jowly face.
“Adriana, my dear, how are you?” He gave her a quick handshake, then, without waiting for a reply, turned his attention to Martin. “You must be Mr. Van Buren. You’re my second patient with a presidential name. I had a John Kennedy once. Didn’t look anything like the real JFK. Do you resemble your namesake? I have to admit I have no idea what President Van Buren looked like. He was before my time.” Again he didn’t wait for a reply, but rather sat down on a stool in front of the desk and asked, “So what brings you two here today?”
Adriana spoke up. “Martin thinks he’s not a vampire anymore, and quite frankly, I’m a little worried about myself, too. My appetite seems to be off.”
Thornley spun around on his stool to face her, leaned back against the edge of the desk, and crossed his arms. “Hmmm, I have to admit, I’ve never heard of anyone transforming in the opposite direction. That would be one for the medical journals, if indeed they covered vampirism, which they do not. Freakin’ JAMA, always about the normals and their problems. You know, one of these days, the medical profession is going to find out they’ve been missing out on treating a whole section of society, and then, boy, will there be egg on their faces. So anyway, what the heck were we talking about again? Oh yeah, you don’t think you’re vampires anymore. So, Adriana, let’s hear the story.”
She explained to Thornley how she and Martin met, and how sick she was immediately after biting him. At first, Martin then seemed to have vampire characteristics, but they wore off, and now even she didn’t feel the need to feed on blood anymore.
“You know, it’s kinda depressing, doc,” she confessed to him. “I always enjoyed the taste of blood. Warm and salty, like a comfort food that your mom would make you, if she were a blood sucker.”
“I understand,” Thornley told her. “Who doesn’t love comfort food?” He turned to Martin. “So, tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for a living, what kind of food do you eat, that sort of thing.”
“Well,” Martin replied, “I’m in between jobs at the moment.”
“He hasn’t worked in years,” Adriana interjected. “He sits around his mom’s house and reads or sleeps or whatever.”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Thornley said.
“I try to eat healthy, you know, when I can.”
Adriana let out a derisive snort. “Oh, brother, what a liar you are. Tell him what you had for breakfast.”
Martin looked the doctor in the eye and tried to appear earnest. “I had some frozen waffles.”
Once more, Adriana snorted. “Oh, please. You ate an entire box of frozen waffles and instead of syrup you poured a whole bottle of chocolate sauce over them. You did have something kind of healthy, though. You drank a glass of orange juice with your waffles.”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Thornley said again. He stared at the wall, lost in thought. Finally, he spoke. “Well, there are some tests we could run, do a full blood panel on Martin, and you too, Adriana, see what’s going on there. Maybe something in his system caused your illness, Adriana. Tell me, Martin, have you always eaten this way?”
“Yep, pretty much. Once I was off baby food, I got to be quite demanding about what I wanted to eat, at least that’s what my mother tells me.”
“And Adriana, you were feeling fine before you transformed Martin?”
“Fit as a fiddle. Never had a problem ‘til I met this guy.” She leaned over and spoke to the doctor in a stage whisper. “I think he’s the anti-vampire.”
Thornley looked at her. “Hmmm,” he said.
Frustrated with hearing nothing but “hmmm” she asked, “What do you think is the matter with us, doc?”
“This is a very unusual case, very unusual indeed. Would you excuse me for a moment?” He got up and left the room.
When he was gone for a few seconds, Martin looked at Adriana and said, “He’s a little nuts, isn’t he?”
“Maybe a tad eccentric, but a lot of smart people are.”
Outside their room, Thornley stood in the corridor, pulled out his cell phone, and pressed number one on the speed dial. When number one answered, Thornley said, “Regarding your Worldwide Mission, I think I have someone here for you...yes, really. He may be exactly what you’re looking for. There’s two of them, male and female. She’s a dark sider, but thinks she was cured when she bit him, and his symptoms only lasted a few days...no, I’m not kidding...yes, I believe them, I know her, and I think she’s telling the truth...ten minutes? Of course. I’ll tell them I need to run some tests. They’re in the last room, by the back door. Easy in, easy out...you’re welcome. Goodbye.”
Thornley poked his head into the exam room. “I’m ordering some tests for both of you, so we can find out just what’s going on. It may be a while, so get comfortable. I’ll have Jackie bring you some coffee.” He pulled his head back, and retreated to his office.
“I don’t like needles,” Martin said as beads of sweat formed on his forehead. “I really hate getting shots.” He began to feel faint.
“You really are a wussy boy, aren’t you?”
“Yes, yes, I am.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing you may not be a vampire. I don’t think you’re cut out for it. I thought I could help you, but boy, you may be beyond help.”
Jackie arrived, smiling, and delivered two paper cups filled with coffee. When she was gone, Martin said, “I’ll bet she’s not a vampire. She looks too nice.”
“What, you think I don’t look nice?” She shook her fist at him. “I oughta sock you right on the kisser.”
“Whatever. I have to pee.”
“Thanks for sharing. There’s a bathroom across the hall.”
He put his cup down on the desk and went through the doorway. Focused solely on relieving himself, Martin did not look in either direction as he crossed the hall. If he had looked to his left, he would surely have noticed the four men dressed as Ninjas entering through the back door.
“I walk a lot,” Martin replied.
“True. Still, I’m not sure that it counts as exercise.”
He was incredulous. “Of course it does. Walking is the best exercise you can get and it’s easy on your joints.”
“Maybe, but for it to be exercise you have to walk quickly enough to get your heart rate up. I noticed, when you walk, you just sort of amble.”
“Amble?”
“Yeah, amble. It’s sort of like a saunter. Either way, you don’t walk very fast.”
“Whatever.” Martin looked apprehensive. “Are you sure this is okay? I mean, he knows about, you know, the kind of people we are?”
“Oh, absolutely. He’s very well known in the community. He’s a friend of Bela.”
“He’s a what now?”
“A friend of Bela. You know, like Bela Lugosi, the guy who played Dracula. It means he’s a friend of the community. He knows all about our existence and he doesn’t have a problem with us. He’s made a point of learning how to treat us for various ailments and whatnot.”
“I hope I don’t have any whatnot,” Martin said. “It seems like a nice enough place, but there’s something a little off in here, a little creepy.”
Adriana looked around. “You’re right. I think it’s the carpeting. He should pick a different color.” Indeed, the room had a bloody glow about it. The carpet was a deep crimson and looked as if it had been soaked in blood. “With his clientele, he should choose something brighter. Or maybe he did it on purpose, trying to tell us we’re all blood brothers.”
“Uh-huh. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. I think we should go.”
“Nonsense,”Adriana answered him sternly. “We have an appointment. He’s a good guy, just give him a chance.”
“I don’t know,” Martin said in a whimpering tone.
“Stop being such a wuss. What’s the worst that could happen? That he confirms you’re not a vampire?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll sit quietly.”
“That would be different.”
Martin gazed around the room. Jackie, the receptionist, gave him a smile then turned her attention back to her computer. Was she a vampire? Doubtful. Too pleasant looking. She didn’t appear to be the type who could sink her teeth into someone’s neck. He looked at the other patients waiting to see the doctor. Across from him sat a grey haired woman wearing a sweatshirt with a photo of three kittens. Above the photo the statement “World’s Greatest Cat Mom” was emblazoned in capital red letters. Could this kindly looking lady reading Good Housekeeping possibly be a blood sucker? What about the teenage boy watching a baseball game on the flat screen TV in the corner? Vampire or normal? Martin couldn’t tell, and wondered if he ever would be able to.
After a few more minutes of studying the patients, a nurse led Martin and Adriana into an examination room. He sat in the chair next to the desk, while she jumped up on the table and laid down.
“Make yourself at home,” Martin told her.
“I love these exam tables,” she said. “I wish I could sleep on one all the time. I like the crunch of the paper underneath my body. You know, people could save a lot on laundry if bed sheets came on rolls and were made of thin white paper. Although, a little design on them wouldn’t hurt, maybe snowflakes in winter, floral patterns in summer.”
“I think you’re nuts.”
There was a knock at the door, to which Adriana said, “Don’t bother knockin’, doc, just come on in.”
Dr. Bram Thornley stepped in to the room. He was neither short nor tall, round around the middle, and wore thick lensed glasses through which dark, friendly eyes squinted. Curly salt and pepper hair framed a jowly face.
“Adriana, my dear, how are you?” He gave her a quick handshake, then, without waiting for a reply, turned his attention to Martin. “You must be Mr. Van Buren. You’re my second patient with a presidential name. I had a John Kennedy once. Didn’t look anything like the real JFK. Do you resemble your namesake? I have to admit I have no idea what President Van Buren looked like. He was before my time.” Again he didn’t wait for a reply, but rather sat down on a stool in front of the desk and asked, “So what brings you two here today?”
Adriana spoke up. “Martin thinks he’s not a vampire anymore, and quite frankly, I’m a little worried about myself, too. My appetite seems to be off.”
Thornley spun around on his stool to face her, leaned back against the edge of the desk, and crossed his arms. “Hmmm, I have to admit, I’ve never heard of anyone transforming in the opposite direction. That would be one for the medical journals, if indeed they covered vampirism, which they do not. Freakin’ JAMA, always about the normals and their problems. You know, one of these days, the medical profession is going to find out they’ve been missing out on treating a whole section of society, and then, boy, will there be egg on their faces. So anyway, what the heck were we talking about again? Oh yeah, you don’t think you’re vampires anymore. So, Adriana, let’s hear the story.”
She explained to Thornley how she and Martin met, and how sick she was immediately after biting him. At first, Martin then seemed to have vampire characteristics, but they wore off, and now even she didn’t feel the need to feed on blood anymore.
“You know, it’s kinda depressing, doc,” she confessed to him. “I always enjoyed the taste of blood. Warm and salty, like a comfort food that your mom would make you, if she were a blood sucker.”
“I understand,” Thornley told her. “Who doesn’t love comfort food?” He turned to Martin. “So, tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for a living, what kind of food do you eat, that sort of thing.”
“Well,” Martin replied, “I’m in between jobs at the moment.”
“He hasn’t worked in years,” Adriana interjected. “He sits around his mom’s house and reads or sleeps or whatever.”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Thornley said.
“I try to eat healthy, you know, when I can.”
Adriana let out a derisive snort. “Oh, brother, what a liar you are. Tell him what you had for breakfast.”
Martin looked the doctor in the eye and tried to appear earnest. “I had some frozen waffles.”
Once more, Adriana snorted. “Oh, please. You ate an entire box of frozen waffles and instead of syrup you poured a whole bottle of chocolate sauce over them. You did have something kind of healthy, though. You drank a glass of orange juice with your waffles.”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Thornley said again. He stared at the wall, lost in thought. Finally, he spoke. “Well, there are some tests we could run, do a full blood panel on Martin, and you too, Adriana, see what’s going on there. Maybe something in his system caused your illness, Adriana. Tell me, Martin, have you always eaten this way?”
“Yep, pretty much. Once I was off baby food, I got to be quite demanding about what I wanted to eat, at least that’s what my mother tells me.”
“And Adriana, you were feeling fine before you transformed Martin?”
“Fit as a fiddle. Never had a problem ‘til I met this guy.” She leaned over and spoke to the doctor in a stage whisper. “I think he’s the anti-vampire.”
Thornley looked at her. “Hmmm,” he said.
Frustrated with hearing nothing but “hmmm” she asked, “What do you think is the matter with us, doc?”
“This is a very unusual case, very unusual indeed. Would you excuse me for a moment?” He got up and left the room.
When he was gone for a few seconds, Martin looked at Adriana and said, “He’s a little nuts, isn’t he?”
“Maybe a tad eccentric, but a lot of smart people are.”
Outside their room, Thornley stood in the corridor, pulled out his cell phone, and pressed number one on the speed dial. When number one answered, Thornley said, “Regarding your Worldwide Mission, I think I have someone here for you...yes, really. He may be exactly what you’re looking for. There’s two of them, male and female. She’s a dark sider, but thinks she was cured when she bit him, and his symptoms only lasted a few days...no, I’m not kidding...yes, I believe them, I know her, and I think she’s telling the truth...ten minutes? Of course. I’ll tell them I need to run some tests. They’re in the last room, by the back door. Easy in, easy out...you’re welcome. Goodbye.”
Thornley poked his head into the exam room. “I’m ordering some tests for both of you, so we can find out just what’s going on. It may be a while, so get comfortable. I’ll have Jackie bring you some coffee.” He pulled his head back, and retreated to his office.
“I don’t like needles,” Martin said as beads of sweat formed on his forehead. “I really hate getting shots.” He began to feel faint.
“You really are a wussy boy, aren’t you?”
“Yes, yes, I am.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing you may not be a vampire. I don’t think you’re cut out for it. I thought I could help you, but boy, you may be beyond help.”
Jackie arrived, smiling, and delivered two paper cups filled with coffee. When she was gone, Martin said, “I’ll bet she’s not a vampire. She looks too nice.”
“What, you think I don’t look nice?” She shook her fist at him. “I oughta sock you right on the kisser.”
“Whatever. I have to pee.”
“Thanks for sharing. There’s a bathroom across the hall.”
He put his cup down on the desk and went through the doorway. Focused solely on relieving himself, Martin did not look in either direction as he crossed the hall. If he had looked to his left, he would surely have noticed the four men dressed as Ninjas entering through the back door.
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