Archie dressed in the brown suit he did not want to be buried in, rooted around the funeral home until he found the keys for the hearse, then drove home. When he arrived, the lights were out, the door was locked, and he had no key. He could break into his own home or seek out Augusta. He assumed she still carried a key to the house, and that she would want to return with him. Hopefully she hadn’t begun her career as a vampire gold digger and flown off to Miami or Rio or some such place in search of a wealthy old man with one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel. If she was in town, though, he was going to find her.
Stepping off the front porch, he took a deep breath. No hint of Augusta wafting on the breeze, nor any clue at all as to where she might be. Archie got back in the hearse. Driving along the streets of Arbor Woods, he would occasionally roll down the window, stick his head out and sniff the night air like a cocker spaniel on a joy ride. Sooner or later he would pick up Augusta’s scent. When he did track her down, he planned to berate her for almost letting him spend his eternal rest in a brown suit. Then he would sweep her into his arms and whisk her home.
The aroma of grilled steak and mushrooms grew stronger as Archie drove through town, drawing him like a bee to clover toward the west side of town and Le Steer Steakhouse and Cocktail Lounge. Augusta loved a grilled steak dinner. When he was close to the restaurant he poked his head out the window one last time and caught a whiff of sandalwood. Archie didn’t really know what the hell sandalwood was or what it smelled like, he just knew Augusta smelled like this; he called it sandalwood because it sounded elegant and feminine to him.
Feeling sure she was at Le Steer, Archie came to a halt in front of the restuarant. A valet eyed both driver and car with suspicion. “One of the diners bit the dust,” Archie told him as stepped out of the hearse. “Must have got a bum steer.” The valet simply stared at him. “Get it? Bum steer? ‘Cause the name of the restaurant is...oh, never mind. Just don’t go too far with my ride. I won’t be long.”
Feeling invigorated by the fresh blood he had consumed earlier, Archie bounded up the short stairway and through Le Steer’s front door. Just inside a hostess stood behind a podium, her dark brown eyes and bright white smile radiating warmth. Archie would have liked her instantly had he not been so distracted with his search for Augusta. He stood at the dining room entrance and peered in.
In a friendly tone, the hostess asked, “Can I help you, sir? Do you have a reservation?”
Archie looked over his shoulder. “Oh, hi there. Didn’t see you when I walked in.” He continued to look over the dining room.
“Are you with a party, sir?”
“No, and please stop calling me ‘sir.’ My name’s Archie and I’m looking for a woman. Her name is Augusta and she smells of sandalwood. At least, I think she does.”
Continuing to smile warmly, the hostess said, “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“I’m sure she’s here somewhere. I can smell her. My oIfactory sense is very keen and it never lies.” Tired of just looking, he passed quickly into the dining area.
“Sir!” the hostess called out to him. “Archie! Come back here please!”
He was too far gone to pay any attention to the hostess now. Constantly sniffing at the air as he dodged wait staff scurrying about with trays full of food and drink, Archie finally spotted Augusta in a secluded booth at the rear of the dining room.
Running up to the table, a wide smile on his face, he nearly shouted, “Augusta! I found you! I knew you were here. I could smell you.” His smile faded as he began to sound accusatory. “The brown suit? Really? You were going to make me spend eternity in brown? Whatever. I forgive you. It’s all forgotten. I’m back now, I don’t have the keys to the house, I hope you do, so let’s go, I’ve got a ride out front.”
He paused to gaze at her. “You look ravishing.” And she did. Her dark blue sleeveless dress was low cut but tastefully so, her hair was perfect and her eyes sparkled at the sight of Archie, or so he thought. She looked more elegant than he had ever seen her. “Listen, I’m a new man. I want to live now. I want to see the world and take you along. I want to go places I’ve never been, like Pismo Beach.”
A deep voice said, “Pismo Beach? You know it’s not 1950 anymore, right Arch?” It came from a large, broad shouldered man. He seemed to be bursting out of his pinstripe suit. His massive head was topped with wavy salt and pepper hair. Possessed by the sight of Augusta, Archie hadn’t noticed the behemoth sitting next to her. He turned to look at the source of the voice
“Well, if isn’t Lazarus Gorey. Why in heaven’s name are you still alive?”
“Nice to see you too, Arch.”
Augusta finally spoke. “My god, Archie, I thought you were dead.”
“Yeah, well I was, sort of, for a while. It was more a case of being really, really tired.”
“Your heart wasn’t beating.”
“True, but I feel much better now. Beating heart, breathing in and out, that sort of thing. But I’ll tell you something, being so close to death made me rethink things. I was tired of living, I just wasn’t seeing the beauty of life anymore. My eyes have been opened though.”
“Well, good for you,” Gorey said.
“Pipe down, fat man,” Archie told him as he slid into the booth next to Augusta. As he did, a tall man with a dark helmet of hair walked briskly up to the table. He said, “I apologize for the interruption, Mr. Gorey.” Then, to Archie, “Sir, I’m afraid that without a reservation you will have to leave. Please come with me.”
Archie looked him up and down admiringly. “Now that’s a suit. Dark blue suit with a crisp white shirt. I love dark blue suits.” He spoke to Augusta. “Why couldn’t you bury me in something like that? A dark suit with a light blue tie and matching pocket square.” He looked back at the man in the suit. “And cufflinks! He’s got cufflinks! Now that’s class.”
The classy dark blue suit man spoke in a firm tone, “Sir, I’m asking you very politely to leave.”
“You’re well dressed and polite. That’s wonderful. Listen, I won’t be a bother, I’ll only be a minute, then I’ll go.”
Suit man leaned in close to Archie’s face, and in a raspy whisper began to say, “Sir...”
Before he could utter another word Archie swiftly grabbed his throat with one hand, pressing on the Adam’s apple with his thumb. “I said, I will only be a minute.”
Lazarus chuckled. “Take it easy, Archie. No need to get your adult diapers all twisted up in a knot.” To suit man he said, “It’s okay, Tony, he’s not bothering us. He will indeed be leaving very shortly.”
Archie released Tony’s throat. They glared at each other for a moment before Tony said, “Very well, Mr. Gorey.” He straightened his tie, threw down another dirty look at Archie, then turned and walked away.
“I see you still know how to make friends and influence people, Arch,” Gorey said.
“You know what they say in our world: bite me where the sun don’t shine.”
Augusta was mystified. “Archie, what’s gotten into you? You were so weak you were dead. Now...now...”
“I’m full of piss and vinegar.”
“Well, yes, that’s one way of putting it. You weren’t quite dead, were you?”
“Nope. Close, but no cigar. Like I said, I was just really, really tired. Now I feel like I’ve got the strength of ten men. I feel like I could live another five hundred years. But what would be the point if I didn’t have someone special to share it with. Now that you’re one of us, we could live together through time. I was wrong to tell you to be a vampire gold digger. That was some bad advice.”
“Well, actually, I don’t think it was. Not that I’ve become a gold digger, mind you, but a girl does have to look out for herself.”
He jerked a thumb in Gorey’s direction. “Okay. So what are you doing with this guy?”
“Augusta and I are soul mates,” Gorey said.
“Don’t you need a soul to be a soul mate? Augusta, how on earth did you two meet so quickly? I’ve only been gone for two days!”
“Well, I went to the beach the day after you died.”
“Oh, nice. I bite the dust and the first thing you can think about is working on your tan.”
Ignoring his rant, she continued. “I needed to relax. You’re death, or whatever it was, was stressful. Anyway, Lazarus saw me sunbathing and nearly crashed his yacht into a breakwater. He jumped off the boat and swam to shore to meet me.”
Archie rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.” He turned his attention to Gorey. “How is it you have enough money for a yacht? Of course, you were always good at separating people from their money. Never honestly though.”
“I have always been financially sucessful, that is true, but always in a lawful manner. I’m sorry things haven’t always gone as well for you, Arch.”
“I’ve done just fine, thank you very much. I’ve been a doctor for centuries now, which I think is better than being an arms manufacturer for the Nazis.” Archie turned to Augusta. “You know this guy is a vampire right? Wasn’t the whole idea to find some old dude who would keel over quickly so you could inherit his fortune?”
“We know all about each other, Archie. Neither of us is naive. Laz and I are very similar people in a lot of ways. He’s got plans for the future and I’m going to be right by his side, a partner in every aspect of the word.”
“Uh-huh. What plans are these? What kind of racket are you in now, Lazarus?” Archie asked. “What is it this time? Swindling old people out of their homes? Selling poisoned baby formula to Third World countries?”
“Oh, come on now Archie, no reason to be bitter. Just because I’ve been an incredibly successful businessman over the centuries, while you...well, you’ve done the best you could, I guess.”
“I was a surgeon,” replied Archie. “You know, someone who actually helps people rather than swindling them, or deceiving them, or whatever else you’ve done over the years.”
“True, you did become a surgeon,” Gorey responded. “You even served your country. You know, Augusta, he was a sawbones with the Union Army. You know why they called doctors ‘sawbones’ back then? Because surgeons, such as they were, had to hack through bone to amputate limbs. More than a few amputations during the war. Seemed like every soldier that was injured got an arm or a leg or both cut off.” Lazarus turned toward Archie. “Tell me, Arch, how upset was that Hoosier boy from the 13th Regiment when he woke up and found out you cut off the wrong leg?”
“Mistakes happen in the fog of war. And you know what? Right leg, left leg, legs all look alike.”
“He pulled a pistol and took a few shots at you, didn’t he? Can’t say as I blame him. Amputate the wrong leg, then you have to amputate the correct one too, don’t you? I wake up missing two legs when I’m only supposed to be missing one, well, I would have taken a shot at you myself. You ran all the way from City Point back to the Soldier’s Home in Washington. At least that’s what I heard.”
“You heard wrong, dumbass. How would a kid being operated on have access to a pistol? Like I said, it was a mistake. Let me ask you, Mister Big Shot, was it a mistake when you sold the Union Army boots with cardboard soles? Fell apart the first time it rained. Of course, you made who knows how much money, then disappeared when the authorities came looking for you. You were nothing but a war profiteer of the worst sort.”
Archie turned to Augusta. “Why don’t you come back to the house with me? I don’t need to be taken care of anymore, I have a new attitude towards life. Being dead-ish for a while caused me to see things in a different light. No more endless nights of Matlock reruns on TV. We’ll go out and enjoy life.”
“Yes, of course” Gorey said, “why wouldn’t she want to be with you. You’re a multi-millionaire with a yacht and a mansion and...oh, wait, that’s me. Go home Archie, take up gardening or something equally exciting, catch some field mice for their blood, and ride out your lousy eternity in your rocking chair.”
“I don’t have a rocking chair, asshole.”
“It’s in the sunroom,” Augusta said.
“What? I have a sunroom?” Archie replied.
Augusta rolled her eyes. “Sweetheart, this is for the best. I’m going to get the most out of my endless life. Go home, Archie, and take care of yourself. I left the house keys under the fake rock in the back yard.”
Archie gave her a blank stare.
“It’s the big rock hidden among the rose bushes.”
He looked befuddled. “I have rose bushes? I really need to get out of the house more. Damn that Matlock! He was so addictive.” Archie’s shoulders sunk a little, as he appeared resigned to his fate. “Well, Augusta, if this is what you want, I’ll go. You know where to find me if you need me.” Not one for long goodbyes or any kind of sentiment really, he got up and started to leave.
Gorey spoke. “Arch, I wish you all the best.”
Archie turned to look at him, trying to think of an eloquent remark to make an exit to, or at least something polite to say. “Oh, kiss my wrinkled old ass, you conniving son of a bitch.” So much for eloquence. He turned and walked away, never once looking back.
When he was gone, Augusta said, “He was a good guy. Smart, funny, just a little handsy sometimes, if you know what I mean. And he could be a little confused at times, but still, who isn’t a little confused once in a while?”
Lazarus took a sip from his wine glass. “Yes, I had nothing against him, we just didn’t always see eye to eye about how to live our lives. But that happens.” He looked at Augusta, smiled, said, “Enough about him. Let’s talk about us.”
“Okay. You know, you never really filled me in on these plans of yours. I’d like to hear more about them.”
“Of course. As you know, I run Arbor Pharmaceutical. We have a worldwide organization.The company does well, and I do quite well personally. The key to success though isn’t resting on one’s laurels, it’s thinking ahead. What is the way to be successful in the future, and to maintain a high level of success?”
Lazarus took another sip of wine. “You and I, my dear, we are the same. We are vampires. We know who and what we are, and we accept it. Some of us have even sought out the life of the undead. Let me ask you: Do you think the average person wants to be a vampire?”
“Most people don’t even think about being a vampire,” she replied. “They don’t believe we exist.”
He was quietly excited now, and looked at her with a slight grin on his face. “What do you think would happen if people found out there really were vampires amongst them?”
Augusta thought for a moment. “There would be a general panic. Quite frankly, people would freak out.”
Lazarus let out a hearty laugh. “Damn right they would. The public would be terribly frightened, worried about being attacked while they slept and transformed into blood sucking fiends. They would demand something be done. A worried public would want the vampires hunted down and killed.” Augusta grew suddenly pale at the thought she would be executed for being what she was. Lazarus smiled soothingly at her. “Don’t worry, my love, there will always be people who preach peace, and before anybody could get up in arms, we at Arbor Pharmaceutical would offer our solution to the vampire epidemic.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
He sat back and spoke calmly. “I have small groups of vampires stationed throughout the world ready to strike en masse at a moments notice. These ‘troopers’ if you will, would fan out through an area, turning as many people as possible into vampires. When the public and the governments and the religions all clamor for help, we step in with an antidote to vampirism, as well as a vaccine to prevent those who have not been bitten from ever becoming a vampire.”
Augusta sat still with a stunned look on her face. Then she cracked a smile. “My God, Laz, that’s genius. Evil genius, but genius nonetheless. How did you ever come up with such an idea?”
“What can I tell you? I’m brillliant.”
“Yes, yes you are.”
“There’s only one problem though. There is no vaccine or antidote yet. I’ve got hundreds of scientists working in labs throughout the country who have gotten close, but nothing seems totally effective. All we need is one breakthrough, and then we can take over the whole damn world. The money that would come in if this plan works would be unbelievable. Money is power. I think the presidency would not be out of the question. With the military under my control, I most certainly could take over the whole damn world, and you’d be right there with me. All we need is that one breakthrough. I can feel it in my bones, Augusta, I know we’re near the beginning of something amazing. The breakthrough is close at hand.”
Stepping off the front porch, he took a deep breath. No hint of Augusta wafting on the breeze, nor any clue at all as to where she might be. Archie got back in the hearse. Driving along the streets of Arbor Woods, he would occasionally roll down the window, stick his head out and sniff the night air like a cocker spaniel on a joy ride. Sooner or later he would pick up Augusta’s scent. When he did track her down, he planned to berate her for almost letting him spend his eternal rest in a brown suit. Then he would sweep her into his arms and whisk her home.
The aroma of grilled steak and mushrooms grew stronger as Archie drove through town, drawing him like a bee to clover toward the west side of town and Le Steer Steakhouse and Cocktail Lounge. Augusta loved a grilled steak dinner. When he was close to the restaurant he poked his head out the window one last time and caught a whiff of sandalwood. Archie didn’t really know what the hell sandalwood was or what it smelled like, he just knew Augusta smelled like this; he called it sandalwood because it sounded elegant and feminine to him.
Feeling sure she was at Le Steer, Archie came to a halt in front of the restuarant. A valet eyed both driver and car with suspicion. “One of the diners bit the dust,” Archie told him as stepped out of the hearse. “Must have got a bum steer.” The valet simply stared at him. “Get it? Bum steer? ‘Cause the name of the restaurant is...oh, never mind. Just don’t go too far with my ride. I won’t be long.”
Feeling invigorated by the fresh blood he had consumed earlier, Archie bounded up the short stairway and through Le Steer’s front door. Just inside a hostess stood behind a podium, her dark brown eyes and bright white smile radiating warmth. Archie would have liked her instantly had he not been so distracted with his search for Augusta. He stood at the dining room entrance and peered in.
In a friendly tone, the hostess asked, “Can I help you, sir? Do you have a reservation?”
Archie looked over his shoulder. “Oh, hi there. Didn’t see you when I walked in.” He continued to look over the dining room.
“Are you with a party, sir?”
“No, and please stop calling me ‘sir.’ My name’s Archie and I’m looking for a woman. Her name is Augusta and she smells of sandalwood. At least, I think she does.”
Continuing to smile warmly, the hostess said, “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“I’m sure she’s here somewhere. I can smell her. My oIfactory sense is very keen and it never lies.” Tired of just looking, he passed quickly into the dining area.
“Sir!” the hostess called out to him. “Archie! Come back here please!”
He was too far gone to pay any attention to the hostess now. Constantly sniffing at the air as he dodged wait staff scurrying about with trays full of food and drink, Archie finally spotted Augusta in a secluded booth at the rear of the dining room.
Running up to the table, a wide smile on his face, he nearly shouted, “Augusta! I found you! I knew you were here. I could smell you.” His smile faded as he began to sound accusatory. “The brown suit? Really? You were going to make me spend eternity in brown? Whatever. I forgive you. It’s all forgotten. I’m back now, I don’t have the keys to the house, I hope you do, so let’s go, I’ve got a ride out front.”
He paused to gaze at her. “You look ravishing.” And she did. Her dark blue sleeveless dress was low cut but tastefully so, her hair was perfect and her eyes sparkled at the sight of Archie, or so he thought. She looked more elegant than he had ever seen her. “Listen, I’m a new man. I want to live now. I want to see the world and take you along. I want to go places I’ve never been, like Pismo Beach.”
A deep voice said, “Pismo Beach? You know it’s not 1950 anymore, right Arch?” It came from a large, broad shouldered man. He seemed to be bursting out of his pinstripe suit. His massive head was topped with wavy salt and pepper hair. Possessed by the sight of Augusta, Archie hadn’t noticed the behemoth sitting next to her. He turned to look at the source of the voice
“Well, if isn’t Lazarus Gorey. Why in heaven’s name are you still alive?”
“Nice to see you too, Arch.”
Augusta finally spoke. “My god, Archie, I thought you were dead.”
“Yeah, well I was, sort of, for a while. It was more a case of being really, really tired.”
“Your heart wasn’t beating.”
“True, but I feel much better now. Beating heart, breathing in and out, that sort of thing. But I’ll tell you something, being so close to death made me rethink things. I was tired of living, I just wasn’t seeing the beauty of life anymore. My eyes have been opened though.”
“Well, good for you,” Gorey said.
“Pipe down, fat man,” Archie told him as he slid into the booth next to Augusta. As he did, a tall man with a dark helmet of hair walked briskly up to the table. He said, “I apologize for the interruption, Mr. Gorey.” Then, to Archie, “Sir, I’m afraid that without a reservation you will have to leave. Please come with me.”
Archie looked him up and down admiringly. “Now that’s a suit. Dark blue suit with a crisp white shirt. I love dark blue suits.” He spoke to Augusta. “Why couldn’t you bury me in something like that? A dark suit with a light blue tie and matching pocket square.” He looked back at the man in the suit. “And cufflinks! He’s got cufflinks! Now that’s class.”
The classy dark blue suit man spoke in a firm tone, “Sir, I’m asking you very politely to leave.”
“You’re well dressed and polite. That’s wonderful. Listen, I won’t be a bother, I’ll only be a minute, then I’ll go.”
Suit man leaned in close to Archie’s face, and in a raspy whisper began to say, “Sir...”
Before he could utter another word Archie swiftly grabbed his throat with one hand, pressing on the Adam’s apple with his thumb. “I said, I will only be a minute.”
Lazarus chuckled. “Take it easy, Archie. No need to get your adult diapers all twisted up in a knot.” To suit man he said, “It’s okay, Tony, he’s not bothering us. He will indeed be leaving very shortly.”
Archie released Tony’s throat. They glared at each other for a moment before Tony said, “Very well, Mr. Gorey.” He straightened his tie, threw down another dirty look at Archie, then turned and walked away.
“I see you still know how to make friends and influence people, Arch,” Gorey said.
“You know what they say in our world: bite me where the sun don’t shine.”
Augusta was mystified. “Archie, what’s gotten into you? You were so weak you were dead. Now...now...”
“I’m full of piss and vinegar.”
“Well, yes, that’s one way of putting it. You weren’t quite dead, were you?”
“Nope. Close, but no cigar. Like I said, I was just really, really tired. Now I feel like I’ve got the strength of ten men. I feel like I could live another five hundred years. But what would be the point if I didn’t have someone special to share it with. Now that you’re one of us, we could live together through time. I was wrong to tell you to be a vampire gold digger. That was some bad advice.”
“Well, actually, I don’t think it was. Not that I’ve become a gold digger, mind you, but a girl does have to look out for herself.”
He jerked a thumb in Gorey’s direction. “Okay. So what are you doing with this guy?”
“Augusta and I are soul mates,” Gorey said.
“Don’t you need a soul to be a soul mate? Augusta, how on earth did you two meet so quickly? I’ve only been gone for two days!”
“Well, I went to the beach the day after you died.”
“Oh, nice. I bite the dust and the first thing you can think about is working on your tan.”
Ignoring his rant, she continued. “I needed to relax. You’re death, or whatever it was, was stressful. Anyway, Lazarus saw me sunbathing and nearly crashed his yacht into a breakwater. He jumped off the boat and swam to shore to meet me.”
Archie rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.” He turned his attention to Gorey. “How is it you have enough money for a yacht? Of course, you were always good at separating people from their money. Never honestly though.”
“I have always been financially sucessful, that is true, but always in a lawful manner. I’m sorry things haven’t always gone as well for you, Arch.”
“I’ve done just fine, thank you very much. I’ve been a doctor for centuries now, which I think is better than being an arms manufacturer for the Nazis.” Archie turned to Augusta. “You know this guy is a vampire right? Wasn’t the whole idea to find some old dude who would keel over quickly so you could inherit his fortune?”
“We know all about each other, Archie. Neither of us is naive. Laz and I are very similar people in a lot of ways. He’s got plans for the future and I’m going to be right by his side, a partner in every aspect of the word.”
“Uh-huh. What plans are these? What kind of racket are you in now, Lazarus?” Archie asked. “What is it this time? Swindling old people out of their homes? Selling poisoned baby formula to Third World countries?”
“Oh, come on now Archie, no reason to be bitter. Just because I’ve been an incredibly successful businessman over the centuries, while you...well, you’ve done the best you could, I guess.”
“I was a surgeon,” replied Archie. “You know, someone who actually helps people rather than swindling them, or deceiving them, or whatever else you’ve done over the years.”
“True, you did become a surgeon,” Gorey responded. “You even served your country. You know, Augusta, he was a sawbones with the Union Army. You know why they called doctors ‘sawbones’ back then? Because surgeons, such as they were, had to hack through bone to amputate limbs. More than a few amputations during the war. Seemed like every soldier that was injured got an arm or a leg or both cut off.” Lazarus turned toward Archie. “Tell me, Arch, how upset was that Hoosier boy from the 13th Regiment when he woke up and found out you cut off the wrong leg?”
“Mistakes happen in the fog of war. And you know what? Right leg, left leg, legs all look alike.”
“He pulled a pistol and took a few shots at you, didn’t he? Can’t say as I blame him. Amputate the wrong leg, then you have to amputate the correct one too, don’t you? I wake up missing two legs when I’m only supposed to be missing one, well, I would have taken a shot at you myself. You ran all the way from City Point back to the Soldier’s Home in Washington. At least that’s what I heard.”
“You heard wrong, dumbass. How would a kid being operated on have access to a pistol? Like I said, it was a mistake. Let me ask you, Mister Big Shot, was it a mistake when you sold the Union Army boots with cardboard soles? Fell apart the first time it rained. Of course, you made who knows how much money, then disappeared when the authorities came looking for you. You were nothing but a war profiteer of the worst sort.”
Archie turned to Augusta. “Why don’t you come back to the house with me? I don’t need to be taken care of anymore, I have a new attitude towards life. Being dead-ish for a while caused me to see things in a different light. No more endless nights of Matlock reruns on TV. We’ll go out and enjoy life.”
“Yes, of course” Gorey said, “why wouldn’t she want to be with you. You’re a multi-millionaire with a yacht and a mansion and...oh, wait, that’s me. Go home Archie, take up gardening or something equally exciting, catch some field mice for their blood, and ride out your lousy eternity in your rocking chair.”
“I don’t have a rocking chair, asshole.”
“It’s in the sunroom,” Augusta said.
“What? I have a sunroom?” Archie replied.
Augusta rolled her eyes. “Sweetheart, this is for the best. I’m going to get the most out of my endless life. Go home, Archie, and take care of yourself. I left the house keys under the fake rock in the back yard.”
Archie gave her a blank stare.
“It’s the big rock hidden among the rose bushes.”
He looked befuddled. “I have rose bushes? I really need to get out of the house more. Damn that Matlock! He was so addictive.” Archie’s shoulders sunk a little, as he appeared resigned to his fate. “Well, Augusta, if this is what you want, I’ll go. You know where to find me if you need me.” Not one for long goodbyes or any kind of sentiment really, he got up and started to leave.
Gorey spoke. “Arch, I wish you all the best.”
Archie turned to look at him, trying to think of an eloquent remark to make an exit to, or at least something polite to say. “Oh, kiss my wrinkled old ass, you conniving son of a bitch.” So much for eloquence. He turned and walked away, never once looking back.
When he was gone, Augusta said, “He was a good guy. Smart, funny, just a little handsy sometimes, if you know what I mean. And he could be a little confused at times, but still, who isn’t a little confused once in a while?”
Lazarus took a sip from his wine glass. “Yes, I had nothing against him, we just didn’t always see eye to eye about how to live our lives. But that happens.” He looked at Augusta, smiled, said, “Enough about him. Let’s talk about us.”
“Okay. You know, you never really filled me in on these plans of yours. I’d like to hear more about them.”
“Of course. As you know, I run Arbor Pharmaceutical. We have a worldwide organization.The company does well, and I do quite well personally. The key to success though isn’t resting on one’s laurels, it’s thinking ahead. What is the way to be successful in the future, and to maintain a high level of success?”
Lazarus took another sip of wine. “You and I, my dear, we are the same. We are vampires. We know who and what we are, and we accept it. Some of us have even sought out the life of the undead. Let me ask you: Do you think the average person wants to be a vampire?”
“Most people don’t even think about being a vampire,” she replied. “They don’t believe we exist.”
He was quietly excited now, and looked at her with a slight grin on his face. “What do you think would happen if people found out there really were vampires amongst them?”
Augusta thought for a moment. “There would be a general panic. Quite frankly, people would freak out.”
Lazarus let out a hearty laugh. “Damn right they would. The public would be terribly frightened, worried about being attacked while they slept and transformed into blood sucking fiends. They would demand something be done. A worried public would want the vampires hunted down and killed.” Augusta grew suddenly pale at the thought she would be executed for being what she was. Lazarus smiled soothingly at her. “Don’t worry, my love, there will always be people who preach peace, and before anybody could get up in arms, we at Arbor Pharmaceutical would offer our solution to the vampire epidemic.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
He sat back and spoke calmly. “I have small groups of vampires stationed throughout the world ready to strike en masse at a moments notice. These ‘troopers’ if you will, would fan out through an area, turning as many people as possible into vampires. When the public and the governments and the religions all clamor for help, we step in with an antidote to vampirism, as well as a vaccine to prevent those who have not been bitten from ever becoming a vampire.”
Augusta sat still with a stunned look on her face. Then she cracked a smile. “My God, Laz, that’s genius. Evil genius, but genius nonetheless. How did you ever come up with such an idea?”
“What can I tell you? I’m brillliant.”
“Yes, yes you are.”
“There’s only one problem though. There is no vaccine or antidote yet. I’ve got hundreds of scientists working in labs throughout the country who have gotten close, but nothing seems totally effective. All we need is one breakthrough, and then we can take over the whole damn world. The money that would come in if this plan works would be unbelievable. Money is power. I think the presidency would not be out of the question. With the military under my control, I most certainly could take over the whole damn world, and you’d be right there with me. All we need is that one breakthrough. I can feel it in my bones, Augusta, I know we’re near the beginning of something amazing. The breakthrough is close at hand.”
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