Writer's note (because "Author's Note" sounds kinda pretentious): Summer is full of distractions. The very idea of summer itself is a distraction. How can one mull over the all the potential joys a summer day holds - hot sun and cold beer, sea and sand, the aroma of freshly cut grass and burgers on the grill, the quiet solitude of the woods, the happy squeals of children on the beach - and still concentrate on anything of even meager import? It is these distractions of summer that are causing my normally glacial writing pace to slow even further. That's life, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
Moving on, let's talk about minions. Minions are very popular now, what with those cute devils in "Despicable Me 2" and all. Who wouldn't want a minion, or maybe even a whole group of them? Well, my story has minions. Former military contractors in the employ of Lazarus Gorey, they once fancied themselves Ninjas, but they weren't worthy of the title. Now they refer to themselves as operatives, and I've decided to give each of the four operatives names, although they are really nicknames so they can remain incognito. Characters suddenly having names when they had none before may be slightly confusing, but as I tell my proofreader/spouse, everything will get cleared up in the re-write. I swear it.
Now, on with the show.
Lazarus Gorey once again stepped into the small grey room that was hidden from the rest of his company’s headquarters, buried in a sub-basement few knew existed. His operatives, the ex-Ninjas, had just arrived and Gorey wanted to see if they had gotten it right this time.
A solitary figure sat motionless in the sole piece of furniture in the room, a straight backed wooden chair. Behind this the the four operatives stood at attention. Clad entirely in black - t-shirts, jeans, boots - Gorey thought they looked like an aging boy band trying to stage a comeback. He cast a suspicious eye on what seemed to be a woman in the chair, a hood over her head, rope binding her arms and legs.
“Who is this?” Gorey asked.
“We went to the Van Buren home, but he wasn’t there,” Cap, the operative’s leader, piped up. “We found the girl hiding in a corner. We took her without incident.”
“She didn’t put up a fight?” Lazarus thought it odd that Martin’s girlfriend, an alleged vampire, would submit quietly to being kidnapped by cut rate stooges. “Take her hood off.”
With an obvious look of pride on his face, Hack, the biggest and dimmest of the operatives, lifted the hood. In the chair sat Dolly, the inflatable girl Adriana had given Martin as a birthday gift. Gorey slapped a meaty hand over his eyes. Without removing it he said, “You know this is a sex doll, right?” He removed the hand so he could glare at the boys in black.
Doc, the op with a sensitive soul and a moldy brain, said, “Sir, with all due respect, while we understand the sometimes crude nature of our business, referring to this woman, or any woman, as a ‘sex doll’ is not politically correct. We would expect that a man in your position would be above such characterizations.”
Lazarus mentally willed his operatives heads to explode. When this failed, he said, “What I mean is, this ‘woman,’ as you call her, is in reality an inflatable doll. Life size, anatomically correct I presume, but a doll nonetheless. She is a non-human, bereft of life.”
“Oh.”
Rage began to fill Gorey’s body. “How in the world could you mistake a doll for an actual human being?”
“It was dark in the house,” the normally silent op Cal said.
“Yeah, dark,” Hack added. “Couldn’t see.”
“It wasn’t like we could turn the lights on,” Cap said. “That would have taken away the element of surprise.”
“I paid good money for you to have night vision goggles. What did you do with them?”
“We left them at home. Hack was supposed to bring them.”
Hack appeared stunned by the accusation. “You said you were going to bring them!”
“Did not!”
“Shut up, both of you!” Gorey stared at them, wondering how such stupid people could roam the earth without horrible tragedy befalling them on a regular basis. He also felt some apprehension that these idiots were heavily armed. Rolling his eyes, Gorey sighed. “Didn’t you find it the least bit odd that she offered no resistance?”
“We thought she was playing possum.”
“Playing possum? Oh, good grief! Bring her back where you found her, then find Van Buren and this vampire chick he’s hanging out with and bring them here. You guys are on a short leash. My patience has just about run out, so don’t fail me. Now get going.”
Light on his feet for such a large man, Lazarus spun around on his heels and bounded out of the room, leaving the operatives to gaze at Dolly.
“She really is pretty life-like,” Cap said. The others nodded their agreement.
Moving on, let's talk about minions. Minions are very popular now, what with those cute devils in "Despicable Me 2" and all. Who wouldn't want a minion, or maybe even a whole group of them? Well, my story has minions. Former military contractors in the employ of Lazarus Gorey, they once fancied themselves Ninjas, but they weren't worthy of the title. Now they refer to themselves as operatives, and I've decided to give each of the four operatives names, although they are really nicknames so they can remain incognito. Characters suddenly having names when they had none before may be slightly confusing, but as I tell my proofreader/spouse, everything will get cleared up in the re-write. I swear it.
Now, on with the show.
Lazarus Gorey once again stepped into the small grey room that was hidden from the rest of his company’s headquarters, buried in a sub-basement few knew existed. His operatives, the ex-Ninjas, had just arrived and Gorey wanted to see if they had gotten it right this time.
A solitary figure sat motionless in the sole piece of furniture in the room, a straight backed wooden chair. Behind this the the four operatives stood at attention. Clad entirely in black - t-shirts, jeans, boots - Gorey thought they looked like an aging boy band trying to stage a comeback. He cast a suspicious eye on what seemed to be a woman in the chair, a hood over her head, rope binding her arms and legs.
“Who is this?” Gorey asked.
“We went to the Van Buren home, but he wasn’t there,” Cap, the operative’s leader, piped up. “We found the girl hiding in a corner. We took her without incident.”
“She didn’t put up a fight?” Lazarus thought it odd that Martin’s girlfriend, an alleged vampire, would submit quietly to being kidnapped by cut rate stooges. “Take her hood off.”
With an obvious look of pride on his face, Hack, the biggest and dimmest of the operatives, lifted the hood. In the chair sat Dolly, the inflatable girl Adriana had given Martin as a birthday gift. Gorey slapped a meaty hand over his eyes. Without removing it he said, “You know this is a sex doll, right?” He removed the hand so he could glare at the boys in black.
Doc, the op with a sensitive soul and a moldy brain, said, “Sir, with all due respect, while we understand the sometimes crude nature of our business, referring to this woman, or any woman, as a ‘sex doll’ is not politically correct. We would expect that a man in your position would be above such characterizations.”
Lazarus mentally willed his operatives heads to explode. When this failed, he said, “What I mean is, this ‘woman,’ as you call her, is in reality an inflatable doll. Life size, anatomically correct I presume, but a doll nonetheless. She is a non-human, bereft of life.”
“Oh.”
Rage began to fill Gorey’s body. “How in the world could you mistake a doll for an actual human being?”
“It was dark in the house,” the normally silent op Cal said.
“Yeah, dark,” Hack added. “Couldn’t see.”
“It wasn’t like we could turn the lights on,” Cap said. “That would have taken away the element of surprise.”
“I paid good money for you to have night vision goggles. What did you do with them?”
“We left them at home. Hack was supposed to bring them.”
Hack appeared stunned by the accusation. “You said you were going to bring them!”
“Did not!”
“Shut up, both of you!” Gorey stared at them, wondering how such stupid people could roam the earth without horrible tragedy befalling them on a regular basis. He also felt some apprehension that these idiots were heavily armed. Rolling his eyes, Gorey sighed. “Didn’t you find it the least bit odd that she offered no resistance?”
“We thought she was playing possum.”
“Playing possum? Oh, good grief! Bring her back where you found her, then find Van Buren and this vampire chick he’s hanging out with and bring them here. You guys are on a short leash. My patience has just about run out, so don’t fail me. Now get going.”
Light on his feet for such a large man, Lazarus spun around on his heels and bounded out of the room, leaving the operatives to gaze at Dolly.
“She really is pretty life-like,” Cap said. The others nodded their agreement.
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