Augusta Potocki put her hands on her hips and gave the old man a stern look. “Archie, are you eating spiders again? That’s disgusting!”
Archie Greenway feigned deafness to avoid answering the question of his caregiver. Sitting in his favorite chair, a dark green recliner that dated back to the Eisenhower administration, he attempted to stare vacantly into space, but his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn directly to Augusta’s ample bosom.
She told him what she had so many times before when he leered at her, “My eyes are up here, old man.”
He didn’t bother to avert his gaze as he continued his deaf act. “What? What’s that? I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” A sheepish look crossed his face as he soaked in the roundness of Augusta’s breasts, and the cleavage displayed by the low cut of her blouse.
“If you don’t stop looking at my chest I’m going to get that ivory letter opener off your desk and gouge out your eyes.”
His eyes darted upwards.
“Oh, you heard that did you?”
“What?” Archie responded loudly. “I can barely make out what you’re saying. Speak up, for Christ’s sake.”
“I am speaking loudly enough, you’re hearing is no worse than mine. And by the way, if you take the Lord’s name in vain one more time in my presence, I’m going to strangle you with my rosary.”
Truth be told, Augusta was not a particularly religious woman, but she didn’t take kindly to foul language, especially if God’s name was invoked. She felt dragging Him into any conversation using vulgar words was bad luck. Nor did she actually carry a rosary, having lost her green glow-in-the-dark version in a poker game years ago. But a death threat with Catholic overtones seemed like it would have some gravitas to it. Indeed, it did. Archie was silenced. He hung his head and stared at the floor, possibly feeling contrition, possibly looking for more bugs to eat.
Augusta had been a caregiver for the elderly for many years, but this was her first client who ate bugs. Despite his creepy lecherousness, she liked Archie and was genuinely concerned for him. She knelt down in front of him, took his hands in hers and asked him, “What’s wrong, Archie? Why are you eating insects? The other day you were catching flies in the air and popping them in your mouth like candy.”
“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong.”
Augusta was adamant. “Yes, there is. It’s not normal behavior. Little children who don’t know any better eat bugs. Adults should be eating healthy things like turkey burgers and chicken breasts. I know you like breasts, Archie.” She winked at him.
He smiled and simply said, “Yeah.”
“Maybe you need some more protein in your diet. Is there something special you want? Steak, maybe?”
“No. You don’t need to make me anything special.”
“Then why the insects? You might make yourself sick, eating those things. You don’t know where they’ve been. I mean, flies land on dog poop, eat it, and then you eat the flies. That can’t be good for you.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I didn’t think of that. I won’t eat flies anymore. I was never all that crazy about them anyway. I’ll stick to spiders.”
“But spiders eat flies.”
“What are you? Some kind of killjoy? Listen, I have my reasons, so let’s just leave it at that.”
“Well, I can’t leave it at that, Archie. It’s my job to take care of you, to make sure you’re healthy. If you keep eating things like bugs, I’ll have to call Sheila, the director at my agency. You know what Sheila’s going to do when I tell her you eat bugs? She’s going to send over a psychiatrist. Is that what you want? To talk to some head shrinker?”
Looking off into the distance, Archie went quiet again.
Augusta tugged at his hand. “Tell me what’s wrong, Archie.”
He looked at her with a hard glint in his eyes she had never seen before.
“You want to know what’s wrong? Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Once I was a strong man. People feared me when they realized who, and what, I was and what I could do to them.”
Archie paused, drew a deep breath, then continued. “Long ago, I was a headsman, the best in all of England. Henry VIII asked me to take care of his wife, so I did. Splendid job I did, too. Later, there was France. The guillotine. What a wonderful invention. Best thing the French ever came up with. Cooking everything with butter and garlic is nice, escargot is a delight, but the guillotine, now that was something. I was the finest executioner in France. Always had them build a sturdy scaffold, always kept my blade sharp, always knew where to place the head. See, you had to place it just so in the lunette, otherwise you might have to cut twice. No one wants that. In fact, I came up with that adage, ‘measure twice, cut once.’ Same for executioners as for carpenters. Ah, the Reign of Terror.” Archie leaned his head back, closed his eyes and sighed. “Good times. Only good period in history to be a Frenchman, if you ask me.”
Augusta let go of his hand and gave him a quizzical look. “Archie, what the hell are you talking about?”
His eyes popped open as he raised his head. “I thought you didn’t like swearing.”
“I don’t, but you’re frightening me. Well, as much as a feeble old man can frighten me, but still. What’s bringing on all this crazy talk?”
“Crazy talk? I’m trying to tell you my history. And your history too. Your American Civil War, that was really something to behold. Gettysburg, Shiloh, the Wilderness. Those fields really were bloodbaths. Hell, at Little Round Top and Cemetery Ridge, those places were carpeted with the dead. Blood soaked my shoes and pants up to my ankles. And those Army doctors, cutting off limbs left and right. That’s when it dawned on me, I should become a surgeon. Turned out to be a profitable career move. That’s how I was able to live so well for so long. Doctors make good money.”
“I have to ask again,” Augusta interrupted, “what the hell are you talking about?”
She was standing now. He looked up at her. “Don’t you understand? I went where the blood was. Where there is war and violence, there is blood. And when there was no war for me to go to, I found individual people to offer up their fluid to me. Women usually. As you’ve noticed, I have an eye for the ladies. But men too. I was never above transforming a man. Hate the feel of a man’s stubble on my lips, though. Yech.”
Augusta was staring at him now with a mix of curiosity and revulsion.
“I’m a vampire, Augusta. The living dead. Which is a bit of a misnomer really, because we’re not really dead at all. Hell, we have eternal life. Well, somewhat eternal. We can die. Sometimes we even want to die. I got old because I got tired. It’s so depressing, the way humans live, the way you normals treat each other. The ignorance, the unkindness. After all these years that I’ve been around, I thought the human race would have improved more, but no. It’s gotten to be a bit much. I wasn’t enjoying my gift anymore. There’s no point to living forever if there’s no good reason to stick around. So I stopped feasting on humans. I’ve been waiting to die. It’s just taken longer than I expected. It’s been years now. I was much stronger without blood than I thought I would be, but I could feel myself fading. And then I thought to myself, maybe I should have one more adventure. Not sure what, really, but go out and do something, instead of just sitting here, watching you and your breasts. You’ve got a nice ass too. Anyway, I’ve been eating bugs, sucking the blood out of them, trying to get stronger. Didn’t think you’d notice though. I thought I was being discreet.”
“Digging around in the garden on your hands and knees while shoving worms in your mouth is not exactly the height of discretion.”
“I suppose not. Well, that’s my story. What do you think?”
“I think I need to make a phone call.”
Augusta headed toward the kitchen to use the phone when he heard him shout,“No!” His voice was strong and deep, unlike he had ever sounded before. She whirled about. Archie was still in his seat, but his eyes had turned blood red, his lips parted to reveal fangs. Before she could scream, he lunged at her.
Archie Greenway feigned deafness to avoid answering the question of his caregiver. Sitting in his favorite chair, a dark green recliner that dated back to the Eisenhower administration, he attempted to stare vacantly into space, but his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn directly to Augusta’s ample bosom.
She told him what she had so many times before when he leered at her, “My eyes are up here, old man.”
He didn’t bother to avert his gaze as he continued his deaf act. “What? What’s that? I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” A sheepish look crossed his face as he soaked in the roundness of Augusta’s breasts, and the cleavage displayed by the low cut of her blouse.
“If you don’t stop looking at my chest I’m going to get that ivory letter opener off your desk and gouge out your eyes.”
His eyes darted upwards.
“Oh, you heard that did you?”
“What?” Archie responded loudly. “I can barely make out what you’re saying. Speak up, for Christ’s sake.”
“I am speaking loudly enough, you’re hearing is no worse than mine. And by the way, if you take the Lord’s name in vain one more time in my presence, I’m going to strangle you with my rosary.”
Truth be told, Augusta was not a particularly religious woman, but she didn’t take kindly to foul language, especially if God’s name was invoked. She felt dragging Him into any conversation using vulgar words was bad luck. Nor did she actually carry a rosary, having lost her green glow-in-the-dark version in a poker game years ago. But a death threat with Catholic overtones seemed like it would have some gravitas to it. Indeed, it did. Archie was silenced. He hung his head and stared at the floor, possibly feeling contrition, possibly looking for more bugs to eat.
Augusta had been a caregiver for the elderly for many years, but this was her first client who ate bugs. Despite his creepy lecherousness, she liked Archie and was genuinely concerned for him. She knelt down in front of him, took his hands in hers and asked him, “What’s wrong, Archie? Why are you eating insects? The other day you were catching flies in the air and popping them in your mouth like candy.”
“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong.”
Augusta was adamant. “Yes, there is. It’s not normal behavior. Little children who don’t know any better eat bugs. Adults should be eating healthy things like turkey burgers and chicken breasts. I know you like breasts, Archie.” She winked at him.
He smiled and simply said, “Yeah.”
“Maybe you need some more protein in your diet. Is there something special you want? Steak, maybe?”
“No. You don’t need to make me anything special.”
“Then why the insects? You might make yourself sick, eating those things. You don’t know where they’ve been. I mean, flies land on dog poop, eat it, and then you eat the flies. That can’t be good for you.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I didn’t think of that. I won’t eat flies anymore. I was never all that crazy about them anyway. I’ll stick to spiders.”
“But spiders eat flies.”
“What are you? Some kind of killjoy? Listen, I have my reasons, so let’s just leave it at that.”
“Well, I can’t leave it at that, Archie. It’s my job to take care of you, to make sure you’re healthy. If you keep eating things like bugs, I’ll have to call Sheila, the director at my agency. You know what Sheila’s going to do when I tell her you eat bugs? She’s going to send over a psychiatrist. Is that what you want? To talk to some head shrinker?”
Looking off into the distance, Archie went quiet again.
Augusta tugged at his hand. “Tell me what’s wrong, Archie.”
He looked at her with a hard glint in his eyes she had never seen before.
“You want to know what’s wrong? Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Once I was a strong man. People feared me when they realized who, and what, I was and what I could do to them.”
Archie paused, drew a deep breath, then continued. “Long ago, I was a headsman, the best in all of England. Henry VIII asked me to take care of his wife, so I did. Splendid job I did, too. Later, there was France. The guillotine. What a wonderful invention. Best thing the French ever came up with. Cooking everything with butter and garlic is nice, escargot is a delight, but the guillotine, now that was something. I was the finest executioner in France. Always had them build a sturdy scaffold, always kept my blade sharp, always knew where to place the head. See, you had to place it just so in the lunette, otherwise you might have to cut twice. No one wants that. In fact, I came up with that adage, ‘measure twice, cut once.’ Same for executioners as for carpenters. Ah, the Reign of Terror.” Archie leaned his head back, closed his eyes and sighed. “Good times. Only good period in history to be a Frenchman, if you ask me.”
Augusta let go of his hand and gave him a quizzical look. “Archie, what the hell are you talking about?”
His eyes popped open as he raised his head. “I thought you didn’t like swearing.”
“I don’t, but you’re frightening me. Well, as much as a feeble old man can frighten me, but still. What’s bringing on all this crazy talk?”
“Crazy talk? I’m trying to tell you my history. And your history too. Your American Civil War, that was really something to behold. Gettysburg, Shiloh, the Wilderness. Those fields really were bloodbaths. Hell, at Little Round Top and Cemetery Ridge, those places were carpeted with the dead. Blood soaked my shoes and pants up to my ankles. And those Army doctors, cutting off limbs left and right. That’s when it dawned on me, I should become a surgeon. Turned out to be a profitable career move. That’s how I was able to live so well for so long. Doctors make good money.”
“I have to ask again,” Augusta interrupted, “what the hell are you talking about?”
She was standing now. He looked up at her. “Don’t you understand? I went where the blood was. Where there is war and violence, there is blood. And when there was no war for me to go to, I found individual people to offer up their fluid to me. Women usually. As you’ve noticed, I have an eye for the ladies. But men too. I was never above transforming a man. Hate the feel of a man’s stubble on my lips, though. Yech.”
Augusta was staring at him now with a mix of curiosity and revulsion.
“I’m a vampire, Augusta. The living dead. Which is a bit of a misnomer really, because we’re not really dead at all. Hell, we have eternal life. Well, somewhat eternal. We can die. Sometimes we even want to die. I got old because I got tired. It’s so depressing, the way humans live, the way you normals treat each other. The ignorance, the unkindness. After all these years that I’ve been around, I thought the human race would have improved more, but no. It’s gotten to be a bit much. I wasn’t enjoying my gift anymore. There’s no point to living forever if there’s no good reason to stick around. So I stopped feasting on humans. I’ve been waiting to die. It’s just taken longer than I expected. It’s been years now. I was much stronger without blood than I thought I would be, but I could feel myself fading. And then I thought to myself, maybe I should have one more adventure. Not sure what, really, but go out and do something, instead of just sitting here, watching you and your breasts. You’ve got a nice ass too. Anyway, I’ve been eating bugs, sucking the blood out of them, trying to get stronger. Didn’t think you’d notice though. I thought I was being discreet.”
“Digging around in the garden on your hands and knees while shoving worms in your mouth is not exactly the height of discretion.”
“I suppose not. Well, that’s my story. What do you think?”
“I think I need to make a phone call.”
Augusta headed toward the kitchen to use the phone when he heard him shout,“No!” His voice was strong and deep, unlike he had ever sounded before. She whirled about. Archie was still in his seat, but his eyes had turned blood red, his lips parted to reveal fangs. Before she could scream, he lunged at her.
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